I Asked the Question… And Got No Answers!
I decided it was finally time for me to stop being a pussy, bite the bullet, and actually ask My Mr. Grey – OUTRIGHT – what the deal was between us. I huffed and I puffed and I paced the room a hundred times or more, typing out the message, rewriting it, deleting the entire thing and then starting all over from scratch again. It was nerve-wracking. I know we’ve discussed how we feel already, and how we both want it to go further, but now it really comes down to it – the nitty-gritty – I’ve suddenly lost my bottle. I’m asking him for commitment. Like, a real commitment.
My message simply said:
“I want you. I just want you. I adore everything about you. There is nothing about you that I complain about, or want to change. What are we doing here? Are we together? As in, just together, not doing anything with anybody else?”
I lied about what I said before. There *is* something I would change about him: his inability to answer a simple question. He couldn’t answer my text. Not simply. Not in a way that made everything clear. Not in any kind of way at all, to be honest. He just skirted around the conversation, dropping jokes in and talking about times gone by. He said everything but the answer I wanted. He feels the same about me. He is scared. Distance is a really big factor for us. He doesn’t want anyone else. He isn’t fucking anyone else.
But are we together?
“Ummm, well … ummmm,” he starts …
That’s not the answer I want. It’s a yes or not situation here. I’m not asking the guy to marry me; I’m just asking him to make a little commitment to me. He’s known me for over a decade, so he must know me enough to know whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me.
Instead of answering my question, he side-skirted it again, inviting me to a wedding at the end of the month instead. It feels like I could be his girlfriend. His PROPER girlfriend. He even treats me as such, calling me every night and trying to make plans for me to be his plus-one to major events … but he can’t say that I’m his girlfriend out loud. Or in a text message. Why? Seriously … why? I asked him as such, in a roundabout kinda way. His response? He thought I was “too good” for him, and that he didn’t think he could give me the life I wanted. What the fuck? Too good for him? This is a guy I’ve been a bit [a lot] in love with for almost a decade.
I’ve put together a few reasons as to why he’s so reluctant to make that final jump into commitment-dom:
1 – he could be keeping me on the back-burner until something better comes along.
The whole “too good” line seems like a cop-out to me. It makes me mad. The more I think about it, the madder I get. I bared my heart and soul to him, plucking up the courage to finally say what I wanted to say, and he’s not quite sure … ?
I’m not happy.
2 – he might feel scared.
I get this. I mean, we’re talking about turning an eight-year-long friends-with-benefits situation into a real relationship, of course it’s going to be nerve-wracking. But I was strong and brave enough to tell him how I felt. Surely now is the right time for us to strongly and bravely make that leap??
3 – he thinks that we want different things from life.
He wants to settle down and have a family soon, being older than me and all that. I’m not sure where I stand on the whole wanting-a-family front. I’ve never really wanted to reproduce, and it’s not like I’m divorced from the [ex-]husband yet, so it’s not like we could get married yet anyway. I don’t even know if I want to get married again. What if My Mr. Grey and I decided NOT to make a go of things and then I find myself wanting kids and a family in three or four years, just like he said he wanted? What if we give it a shot and then I DON’T end up wanting to have kids with him? I know these are big and scary questions and everything, but we just won’t know until we try it, will we? He’s only 32, I’m 26, we’ve got some time to figure this all out, right?
4 – he’s not that into me.
Honestly, I don’t think this is the case … but I would say that, wouldn’t it? I’ve put him up on a pedestal, making out like he’s this perfect white knight that’s going to come along and sweep me off my feet. He might be a dick. Maybe I’m just not seeing that with these rose-tinted spectacles clouding my judgment? But honestly, I don’t think this is a case of ‘he’s just not that into you’. I really, really don’t.
This is such a pain in the ass.
Why won’t he commit to me? What am I meant to do about this? Do I wait around for him and keep my fingers crossed he says the big yes? Or do I carry on dating and keep things cool? Because there are a couple of guys online that are hella cute, plus The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of is literally throwing himself at me right now, and it’s been a while since I last had sex … you feel me?
I don’t want to wait around for a guy who’s just stringing me along. And for all the ways that I think I know him, there’s probably a side of him that I don’t know. Maybe this is yet? Maybe he’s a “proper Chandler” and is super scared of commitment. It’s not like he’s had that many long-term relationships in the decade that I’ve known him for …
I’m in such a pickle right now. I have no clue what to do or say, to you, him, or anyone else. I thought about sending him a message that clarifies things once and for all. Something like: “Right, we’re either doing this or we’re not. Are we exclusively dating with an aim to go long-term, … or not?”
It’s a question that requires just a yes or no answer. It shouldn’t be this difficult. I don’t want to back him into a corner, but this stringing me along with vague answers isn’t fair.
Like these, for example:
“I’m not ‘doing’ anyone else either … haha. I dunno. I’ve also been known to be wrong before.”
“We need to be closer to do it properly.”
(I would 100% move to his end of the country. I’ve told him this!)
“I do know that I want to see you all the time.”
“I’m afraid that I’m not actually gonna be good enough for you. I think you’re mega.”
“I really want ‘we’ to be, but the question is, do I think you’re worth taking a risk for. The answer is yes, I just worry that we want different things.”
“I love you more than toast.”
WHAT DOES ALL OF THAT EVEN MEAN THO?!?!
He asked me what it would take for us to be PERFECT, but I told him that I wasn’t looking for perfection. I just want happiness, something I’ll have in bucketloads with him. I’m sure of it.
And that’s where the conversation stopped.
Just like that.
Until later on that night, when we text-sexted into the early hours of the morning.
Relationship status: It’s STILL complicated.
Ugh.
He’s a guy. If you don’t spell it out, he won’t get it. He’s scared…has he had a relationship go bad too. Has HE ever cheated on anyone? He might be afraid he’ll F-up again and lose you like your husband did.
And he did answer the question…in guy speak. Here, let me translate.
1. He’s not sleeping with anyone at the moment…”But i’ve been known to be wrong before.” (either he is skirting the definition of ‘sleeping with’ or he misunderstood the question, classic guy.)
2. He hates the long distance and does not feel you can properly call yourselves a couple because of it.
3.He wants to have sex with you all the time…obvious one really.
4. He has either been told he’s not good enough by another woman or doesn’t know you well enough to know your wants/needs/goals in life to know if you two will match.
5. Re-stating three and four with the added…I would lasso the moon for you and because I feel that deeply, I’m afraid anything that goes wrong in the relationship could be devastating and I could lose you.
6. He likes you more than toast…but less than bacon. Once you pass Bacon, you’re golden.
7. His penis…another obvious one.
I hope this helps. Sounds like you two are off to a great start…for a relationship with a guy. Try texting less and skyping more. You can get the answers you want faster with less distraction…unless it’s video skype then all bets are off.
I loved reading this. Very insightful thank you! Hopefully (fingers crossed) going to a wedding together at the end if the month! Yes I’m his plus one at a wedding! That’s good news, right?
He wants you on his arm to show to his friends? very good news!
That’s what I thought! And hope!